Following God in Dating

Perhaps one of the most important choices you will make in life is whether to marry, and who you marry. Very few other decisions will impact every part of our life for as long as we live. There is so much to consider, and I wanted to write a letter addressing the discernment of this monumental decision in a way that I would have appreciated when I needed to hear this years ago.

This post is written to you if you are a Christian who is not married but are considering getting married some day. It can be a helpful post to read before you are in a relationship, and might be a difficult but valuable read for someone who is in a serious relationship that is or may be headed toward marriage. 

Before we get into it, you need to ask yourself something and answer with complete honesty, especially if you are already in a dating or engaged relationship: Do you want to follow God completely? Do you trust Him no matter where He guides you? Are you willing to let go of anyone or anything He asks you to? If you are not, be honest. Spend time in prayer right now asking Him to help you to trust Him fully and submit everything to Him. Ask God to help you to know who He is, His character, why He is enough and worth more than anything or anyone in the world. I love this very short video by the late Dr. Michael Heiser about God's motivation, and this short video from Sean McDowell about what it means to believe. The BibleProject also has a video series on the Character of God - you could watch all of them or start with a characteristic of God you struggle to really believe. More than any resources I could give, start with prayer. Have an honest prayer with God now asking Him to help you know Him better and know He is good and trustworthy. 

This morning, I saw a video from a man about what he did upon finding out he was having a daughter. He asked two people for advice: one, his wife, and the other, a guy he knew from the military who prided himself on sleeping with many different women. The dad went to this man he knew and asked, "How do I protect my daughter from someone like you?" And the man, being a good sport, smiled and said, "Well, tell your daughter you love her, because if you don't, someone who doesn't [love her] will [tell her he loves her] and she'll believe him."

We must know the love of God as well: how he has showed that love through becoming a vulnerable human being, being born as an infant, living a sinless life of devotion to the Father, willingly accepting God's will for His life and ministry and accepting the cross and its shame, suffering, dying, and being buried before rising again on the third day so that our sins and old selves could die with Him and we could be forgiven and raised with Him. Jesus told his motive to his disciples in John 15:13 the night before his death: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." It was love. There is no greater love in the world. Paul spoke clearly about this unique love: "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Paul in Romans 5:6-8, (emphasis mine). He laid down his life (in an excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking way) so that we could be reconciled to Him. Because He loved us. 

Be encouraged by the words of Jesus...

• “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” - Jesus in Matthew 6:19-21
• “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - Jesus in John 10:10
• “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” - Jesus in Matthew 28:20b

... and the words of Paul:

• “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Paul in Romans 8:38-39
• “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” - Paul in Romans 8:18

... and of John's vision in Revelation of the age to come:

• “Let us rejoice and be glad 
       and give him glory!
    For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
       and his bride has made herself ready.
    Fine linen, bright and clean,
       was given her to wear.”
      (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.)” - Revelation 19:7-8
• “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Then he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” -  Revelation 21:3-5 

So, are you willing to follow what God says on this topic of choosing a spouse? Are you willing to follow what God says especially if it is not the answer you want to hear? If that is still difficult, don't read past the line break below, but come back to this page when you are ready. In the meantime, pray about this. Study God's character, ask Him to help you desire Him above all else. I promise He is enough and He loves us completely. Here is an example of a man who was sincere in his desire to follow Jesus, but was not willing to give up everything to follow Him. Jesus loved him, but He did not lower the bar. The man walked away sad:

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.” 
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. 
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” 
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” 
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?” 
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” 
Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!” 
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” 

- Mark 10:17–31

This is likely an exact application of Jesus' warning: "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." - Jesus in Matthew 6:24. Yet it's not only our love for money that competes with our devotion to God; Jesus' command for our priorities is sobering: "Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." - Jesus in Matthew 10:37-39.

So, if you are ready to follow Jesus, continue reading.

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WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

To answer this, I turn to Matthew 19:3-12:

Some Pharisees came to [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” 
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” 
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” 

Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Jesus defines marriage as one woman and one man who have made a commitment to each other for as long as they both are living. Marriage is not more holy than singleness, and singleness is not more holy than marriage. Those who decide to marry must understand the weight of this covenant. There are exceptions that allow divorce such as sexual immorality, but in most cases, you may be expected to stay in the marriage if your spouse wishes to stay. >>Important disclaimer: There are also other possible options for divorce including an unbelieving spouse choosing to leave, or physical abuse or danger to the spouse or children. If you are already in a marriage and wondering if you are able to get a divorce, please contact a trusted Christian counselor who can help you. I am not addressing that in this post, and I can not offer advice for your situation. In this post, I am also not referring to two non-Christians who get married and one becomes a Christian later on. I assume that will be clear as you read this page, but I wanted to be sure.<<

Understand the weight of this covenant. It is very heavy. When I was engaged, I thought about my then fiancé and imagined if he changed in all the worst ways - if he someday became like someone I would never marry. Would I stay? I don't know if you need to think through your situation like that, but I think it can be a helpful idea to consider as you are discerning.

Even in good marriages, you are giving up some of the "freedom to serve the Lord" that Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”  - 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT "UNEQUALLY YOKED" MARRIAGES? AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

You may have heard a Christian talk about being "unequally yoked" in a relationship. This phrase comes from Paul's second letter to the Corinthians. In order to understand the imagery, we must know what a yoke is and what it does. 

"Yoke: a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull." - Oxford Dictionary.

Generally, yokes were used with oxen. Oxen are cattle (cows or more often bulls) that have been trained to work in pairs for at least 4 years. In order to understand this working relationship of oxen more, I read this guide on Advanced Training Techniques for Oxen. In it, the author says: 

"Some steers simply refuse to work adequately enough to ever achieve a high level of training. In the Northeastern U.S., many teamsters cull a number of cattle before they find two animals which work effectively in pulling contests. Frank Scruton, an accomplished ox-pulling competitor, offers, 'You ought to know in the first month of training whether the animals are good enough to keep. Some animals just don't have what it takes to pull.' Other steers are so easily trained and eager to work that it is hard to believe. When differences between animals is extreme, it is best to rematch them to animals that behave and act more closely in the yoke. Two fast steers can be worked together, as can two slow steers, but one fast, eager ox and one slow, lazy animal will be difficult, if not impossible, to work together. Culling* an inferior animal is sometimes the best solution, before too much time is invested in training." - Drew Conroy, Assistant Professor, University of New Hampshire, 1995. 

*(Note: culling refers to selecting an animal out, usually to get rid of it by selling it or slaughtering it for meat.)

The purpose of a yoke is to pull heavy loads - oxen that work well as a team can pull more than the sum of their weight. According to Lancaster Farming, One ox weighs between 1,500 and 3,000 lbs and can pull its own weight or more. So I would expect a team to be able to pull a maximum of about 6,000 lbs. The article says, "These powerful beasts can out-pull a big team of horses. In fact, while a team of oxen can pull its own body weight at a walking pace, for short bursts of six to eight feet, a well-trained team of oxen can pull up to 2 times their body weight — or as much as 12,000 to 13,000 pounds." 

So, in order to better understand the analogy, let's read a verse from the Old Testament for context: "Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together." - a command of Yahweh* God in Deuteronomy 22:10. Needless to say, this pairing would be extremely ineffective: they are different heights, have different speeds, and different strengths. At best, they make an extremely ineffective team. At worst, they will be ineffective AND one OR both of the animals will be hurt by the chafing, pulling, and twisting of the yoke.

*(Note: Yahweh, also spelled YHWH is the personal name of the God of Abraham and Isaac, the Creator God, the Lord of lords and King of kings. It is translated as "LORD" in all capital letters in the Old Testament because of the reverence that YHWH's people had for His name. When reading the scriptures, they would say "LORD" in the place of YHWH's name.)

Likely with Deuteronomy 22:10 in mind and using the same language as the Greek translation of the Old Testament (the Septuagint), Paul writes 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: 

         “I will live with them 

         and walk among them, 

         and I will be their God, 

         and they will be my people.”

Therefore, 

         “Come out from them 

         and be separate, 

           says the Lord. 

         Touch no unclean thing, 

         and I will receive you.”

And, 

         “I will be a Father to you, 

         and you will be my sons and daughters, 

           says the Lord Almighty.”

Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 

- 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1

Being "yoked together" speaks of a partnership. Two oxen are teamed up together to work together to accomplish a goal. Except for some training techniques, the oxen are always very intentionally paired up based on size and equal ability and temperament. 

In this way, Paul urges the believers at Corinth not to "yoke" yourself or start a partnership with unbelievers. (This verse is almost always understood as marriage alone, and while I do agree it applies to who you marry, I believe Paul could be speaking broadly about all important partnerships in which the individuals must work together toward their common goals.) Certainly this applies to marriage since a marriage contract for a Christian is far more binding than any other partnership contract (ex: a business partnership).

A Christian is a new creation. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" We are no longer to walk in the flesh but in the Spirit. Our calling as Christians is difficult (see John 12:25-26, and John 15:18-21). For this reason, a Christian who is a new creation should not be paired with someone who is not a Christian and not a new creation. This would be similar to yoking an ox and a donkey. One or both of you will be hurt, and you likely will be hindered from the work Christ has for you - the pulling will be ineffective.

The purpose of dating should be to figure out if the person you are dating would be a good spouse for you, and you for them. You don't need to rush through to engagement, of course, but be careful not to get so close to them during this stage physically or emotionally, because you are still praying and trying to decide whether you should / could marry them. It will be difficult to make an unbiased decision or to move on if you are emotionally attached. This is the time to be honest about all possible red flags. Be honest with yourself, and if you can, bring in another strong believer to help you discern - someone who you ask to tell you the honest truth.

HARDSHIPS IN LIFE: SINGLE, DATING, OR MARRIED

Dating is hard for so many reasons: 

• being patient when there are seemingly no prospects
• being honest with yourself about red flags you see
• allowing trusted Christians to be honest with you
• waiting to be deeply emotionally connected when it would be easy to become best friends and share everything
• not being physically intimate until marriage
• loneliness
• so much more...

It would not be fair to make light of those hardships. Yet of course marriage might come with difficulties as well. When I was dating and struggled with waiting for marriage for physical intimacy, I kept thinking how much easier it would be once I was married. But there is a reason that Paul writes, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness." - 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7, (emphasis mine). Each one of us is to know how to control our own body in holiness and honor - including married persons.

I could not foresee that being married would not abolish my need to grow in self-control with my sexual desires. But consider the many possible circumstances: there will be times your spouse is sick, times you are fighting and one or the other does not want to be physical. Your spouse may be physically far away for a period of time, or your schedules may not match up to spend time alone together. Your spouse may be terminally ill, in a coma, or die. There will be times you don't feel loved by your spouse, and are tempted to seek physical fulfillment elsewhere. Submit to God now in self-control, that He might strengthen you in obedience. 

This is just one area (sexual desire), but consider that in all areas, God can see a bigger picture than we can. The hard truth is that we cannot see the future, nor do we even fully know the present. James, the half-brother of Jesus, encourages us that God loves us and all good things are from him. We need not be tempted to try to grasp things that we think will fulfill us - these are empty promises. 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. 

When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 

Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." - James 1:12–17, (emphasis mine).

When God's word clarifies a command of God to avoid something, we know that thing is NOT a good thing for us. His guidance, His commands bring life. Jesus told us that he came to give life, and life to the full (John 10:10). Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:11 that God loves to give good gifts to those who ask Him. The key of that is good gifts. Only He knows what is good and what is not. We can look to Him for wisdom (see James 1:5-8 which advises that we ask God for wisdom IF we are committed to following Him when He answers - that's what James means when he tells us not to doubt).

THE SERIOUS CALL OF MARRIAGE

No matter who you marry, if you do get married you must be willing to accept God's specific commands for your role in the marriage. For commands about marriage, start by reading Ephesians 5:21 - 6:4; 1 Peter 2:21 - 3:12; and Hebrews 13:4. This requires a humility from both that does not come naturally. 

If you are a woman, would the man you are dating love you as Christ loved the church and give himself up for you? I don't just mean that he would die for you. Would he live for you? Would he put you first - above himself, above his mother and father, above all others but God? Has he protected you not just from outside threats but from anything that is not God's best - including denying his own desires or yours when necessary? Would you be confident that you could submit to him, that he is a man of character who seeks wisdom from God and wants your best? For more verses about this, see this GotQuestions article.

If you are a man, would the woman you are dating submit to you as she does to Christ? This would not be a permit for mistreatment - see the above paragraph for the high calling placed on you. Yet in times where the two of you disagree or have different opinions, would she choose to trust you, knowing that you are following God and submitting to Him? Have you seen her character demonstrated in difficult situations? Has she submitted to God even when she does not understand why or even if she disagrees? For more about husbands loving their wives, see this GotQuestions article.

I know these are heavy questions, but they are important. I thank God you have made it this far in this post, and pray you continue until the end. 

Another day, I would love to write a post of personal stories of mine and of people I know that can serve as examples - of those who married non-Christians, of those who married Christians, and of those who stayed single. If I write that someday, I will link to it here. For now, trust me when I say I have heard one experience after another of people who regretted not surrendering this to God, and of others who are overwhelmingly grateful they did surrender their romantic relationships to Him.

One last thing to consider: I know many friends who were conflicted about their dating relationship, and considered just getting married because then God would be for the relationship and not against it, plus you could be sexually intimate and it wouldn't be sin, right? This is a common thought people have. In fact, there was a time I thought this myself. Especially considering 1 Corinthians 7:9, which seems to say it would be better for someone to get married if they are struggling with lust. Perhaps... but choosing your partner must still be done with wisdom, and should not be done too quickly. First, we must keep in mind that Paul was writing to the church, and the command not to be yoked with unbelievers is in this same letter. But I think this verse has less to do with permission to rush into marriage and more to do with Paul clarifying that marriage is not a lesser calling. If Christians would like to enter into a marriage wisely, that's fine. They can still devote themselves to Christ while married as well, they are not sinning by wanting to be married. Know that marriage will have different trials and hardships than singleness. Consider the surrounding verses very seriously: 

"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him." - Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8–13, (emphasis mine). 

Again, consider that even in marriage, there will be seasons that sexual and emotional fulfillment does not happen for one or both of you. If either of you are not growing in your self-control when you have the opportunity, how will you respond when faced with a similar temptation again? Getting married quickly - especially without wise council - won't be a quick-fix. This is perhaps one of the most important decisions of your life. It will affect you and everyone around you. Instead of rushing into marriage, consider using this time to submit to God and grow in patience, humility, faithfulness, and self-control. It will only strengthen your relationships. 

Hear me: if you have been physically intimate with someone, that doesn't make you married, and that doesn't mean you need to get married. Sex outside of marriage is sin, yes, and getting married doesn't change past actions. You will still need to repent for sexual sin even if you get married. Of course, we cannot undo sin, but when we repent, Jesus offers forgiveness, restoration, and hope. My advice: don't let sexual sin be the reason you get married; God's forgiveness and healing is far more beautiful than we could ever know. I have experienced His grace in ways I never could have believed, and IF you get married, let it be for good reasons, not for this.

That said, the next section is perhaps the most important. 

CONCLUSION

I want this to be practical for you, so I've included some steps that you could take in discerning God's will for you in your relationship:

1. Pray for yourself to be open to serving God and putting Him above all else. This is not a one-time request, but usually a life-long one. It is easy for us to falter and put someone or something else first. I still pray for God's help in doing this. Be honest with God and tell Him if you are struggling with this. It may be helpful to study God's character and love for you. We cannot trust the One we do not know. Perhaps this would be a good thing to ask a trusted believer to study with you.
2. When you are ready (even if you are scared), but when you believe you will follow what God reveals, pray for Him to reveal the truth, even if it is hard. He is with you. Tell another trusted believer to pray for you in this as well.
3. Ask yourself honestly if the person you are dating loves Jesus and serves Him above all else. This is difficult to know, but here are a few questions that may help:
1. Do people in their life know that they follow Christ? If the answer to this is no, you likely have your answer. There may be a few exceptions (maybe a brand new Christian - see the next point, or being under persecution that threatens death), but I would say that in general, if people don't know they are a Christian, they likely are not a Christian. See Jesus' words in Luke 9:26.
2. Are either of you new Christians? If so, Praise God!! Jesus is saying, "Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost." He says, "There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." - Jesus in Luke 15:6–7. It is a wonderful thing to turn to the Lord and receive new life!
   That said, I have a very important truth for you to think about. In Mark 4:1-20, Jesus tells a parable about those who hear the Word of God. He compares people who hear to four types of soil. 1) the path, 2) the rocky soil, 3) soil among thorny weeds, and 4) good soil. In explaining this parable, he reveals: 1) those on the path hear, but never receive the Word. 2) Those in rocky soil receive the word with joy! But their roots are not deep, and when trouble or persecution comes because of the Word, they fall away. 3) Those among thorns hear the word, but worries, concern for wealth, and their desires choke the word, making it unfruitful. 4) The good soil are those who hear and accept the word and it bears fruit. 
   I want you to notice something about these 4 types. How many accept the word? Three. But only one type bears fruit. So, how do you know you or the person you are dating is not rocky ground or among thornbushes? The only way to know the difference between someone who grows and bears fruit versus someone who grows for a little while and falls away is time. In the beginning, soils 2, 3, and 4 look the same. If either of you have not gone through trials, temptations, or persecution on account of your faith for some time, you should not pursue a relationship right now. Give new faith time to grow. I usually recommend new Christians remain single for a year before starting a dating relationship. I know this is difficult, but turn to Jesus and trust that He is doing great things in this time. Once time has passed, you should be able to assess how your and their faith has grown or disappeared through trials, temptations, and persecution. 
3. Personal growth: how have they responded to correction? Do they have a lot of burned bridges with old friends or coworkers who disagreed with them? What is an example of a time someone in their life gave them correction? Did they repent / grow? Did they show humility in this? Get at least one clear example if you can.
4. Look at Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." Try to think objectively about their character. Do they put others first? No one is perfect in this, but we are looking for whether they are submitting to the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to produce these fruits in them. Are they forgiving? Do they forgive their enemies? Are they growing in patience, in kindness? Are they faithful to God and His will? Do they respect you and want your best? (For example, continually crossing physical boundaries before marriage is a red flag, since God's best includes self-control and reserving sexual intimacy for marriage.) Do they demonstrate love to you and others? (For the definition of love, see 1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

There are more questions you should ask before deciding to marry the person you are dating, but this is a good place to start in submitting to God with your dating. This is not an exhaustive guide in selecting a spouse, but rather, a letter from my heart that might help you seek God's will above your own. If you are engaged or considering engagement still with your partner, I would recommend also going through premarital counseling through your church, and consider reading books like "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" by Les and Leslie Parrot, or "Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?" by Gary Thomas.

Dear friend, if you are considering breaking up with the person you are dating or engaged to because of what you have discovered in reading this post, I know this must be so hard. My heart goes out to you. It is not easy to follow Jesus when to do so you must give up someone you love greatly. Turn to a believer you trust to objectively talk with about this - one who would be gentle and patient with you, but always want your best above all. Pray that God would meet you here, ask Him to help you listen and follow. I was faced with this choice years ago, and it was hard. But today, I am married to such a loving man of God that I couldn't have even fathomed existed let alone that he might become my husband. Although while going through it I was devastated, breaking up with my nice boyfriend who seemed a good fit for me was the second-best decision I ever made in my life. (The best decision was deciding to follow Christ.)

Jesus is gentle and humble and will guide you. We talked about the metaphor of being yoked as a partnership or marriage, but there is one other person that Christians are yoked to: Jesus. Jesus uses the analogy to encourage us that we can yoke ourselves with Him. He is a patient and strong ox, one who will walk beside us and pull the burden with us. Being yoked to Him will give us rest in our work. He says, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Jesus in Matthew 11:28–30, (emphasis mine).

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - Jesus in John 16:33. There will be trials, trouble, hardships, suffering, and persecution in this world. But we can take heart - He has overcome the world.

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne." - Jesus in Revelation 3:19–21, (emphasis mine).

Will we hear his voice and open the door? 

If you need more encouragement, read the following passages:

• Revelation 19:6–8
• Jeremiah 31:1–14
• Isaiah 65:17–25
• Revelation 21:1-5
• Romans 8:17-18
• Mark 10:28-31 (As the rich young ruler walked away sad, Peter speaks to Jesus).

Ultimately, following Jesus is worth giving up everything. The family of believers I have received in following Jesus is a hundredfold. And remember that this life is not all there is. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." - Romans 8:18

With deep care and love for you as my brother or sister in Christ,

Rebecca

My prayer for you:

God, I know You love us very much and You can see far beyond what we can. You can see the full picture, nothing is hidden from Your eyes. Holy Spirit, help this dear believer discern Your plans for their life specifically when it comes to their romantic relationship. Help them submit to You in however You might be leading, trusting that You love to give good gifts to Your children. Give them the strength to follow You where You are leading, and if that means they are required to leave the one they are dating, give them courage and great comfort. Bring them friends and family who will support them through this difficult time and continue to encourage them to have hope in You. If Your will is not yet clear or if they are staying in their relationship, help them to hold it lightly - continuing to submit it to You all the way to their wedding day if it arrives. More than anything else, may we know the Love of Christ that surpasses understanding. Knowing Your character and love shows us that You are trustworthy - more than anyone else could possibly be. We know You are patient and merciful; help us believe that where we might doubt. We love You, God, we surrender all our plans to You, Jesus, knowing that You are the good shepherd who came to give us life and life to the full. Have mercy on us, we look to You as our hope. Amen.